October 7, 2013

The Second-Time-Mom Fears

So, I had a lot of fears the first time I was pregnant. They were the usual fears...stretch marks, will my body ever go back to normal, what is birth like, etc. I have to say though that I was impressed with myself for having more excitement than fear. I was thrilled when my water broke. I laughed on the way to the hospital. I was giddy getting into my hospital gown. I let pregnancy take over and do it's thing. I didn't love being pregnant, but I didn't fear it, or birth.

This time? It's a different story.

I'm not one to ever get cramps really, maybe a few times a year and that's only from an intense run or workout. I've never been one to physically really suffer from PMS (I know, you want to hit me right now). So last night, at 3:30 am, the last thing I expected was to get cramps at 15 weeks pregnant. They were intense too. Like kneel over in pain. And when one cramp would stop, shortly after catching my breath, another would start. After a few minutes of this, and crawling out of bed to get water, I returned to bed in massive, sweating, fear. Those cramps reminded me of my labor. First time I really grasped during this pregnancy that I was going to have to go through labor and giving birth AGAIN. I almost started crying. I'm not a low pain tolerance person, I can endure quite a bit, but my birth experience with Noelle was more of a nightmare than I had ever imagined or expected.

Back labor, Charlie's horses in BOTH thighs and legs while pushing, the most out of this world pain I had ever experienced in my life, tears up AND down, anesthetic not working during stitches, high blood pressure afterwards...should I go on? It was the scariest, most painful day of my life so far.

So now, I have fear. I know what I will do differently this time (um, hello epidural), but there's still fear that something will go wrong, I won't be able to get pain meds, I will have back labor again, etc. etc. etc.

It's true, what you don't know can't hurt you. Also true? What you do know, can really scare you shitless. 

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